Autism is not a foreign thing to my family. My big brother John is somewhat low on the Autism scale. He has a very structured life and has lived in a group home since he was a teenager (he is now 47). He has no real concept of relationships or love. Growing up, he always got bullied, called names, etc. He was never accepted.
Then there is me...I always saw my brother and knew that I wasn't like him. In many ways, I felt like I was an ordinary kid, with ordinary likes and dislikes. However, I wasn't like any other kid. I truly enjoyed being by myself. When I was a teenager, my stepmother once said to me, "I wish you would get arrested or something, just so I know you are a normal kid". Was she right? Was I not a normal kid? When I was 22, I met a wonderful woman who later became my wife. Life seemed good, but there was always a problem. She told me that I have always preferred to get lost in video games and being alone than spending time with the family, including our kids. Things got worse. My marriage has suffered almost to the breaking point because I didn't know how to be a husband or father. I try, but I don't know what I am doing. The idea of being romantic, loving, and passionate is something I can't understand. I can give you a dictionary definition, but not much more. Everything I do has to have routine, down to a checklist. I am relatively intelligent - I have a Bachelor's degree and am working on a Master's degree now. However, I only understand structure and organization. It wasn't until my wife, a nurse, mentioned the possibility of me having Asperberger's Syndrome did something click. It was like the last puzzle piece fell into place! I broke down and cried. I haven't been diagnosed yet, but everything I have read about high-functioning autism fits me as if it was written about me. I feel like there is hope!
Port Orchard, WA
